the waiting. (new poetry piece)

it's the waiting that kills me.

the not knowing
the saying "it will get better"
and then trying to believe myself
the letting go
(and then really letting go)
the emptiness
the blackness of the hole left when you left
when you didn't want to leave but i made you
(i had to)
i've gone thru too much to go back
come too far to now slack
need more faith where i lack

but it's the waiting that kills me.

the shortest lap ever... e-v-e-r

soo let me first start off by saying i was not trying to be cute. there are times to be cute (and when i say cute, i mean extra cute cause i think one should always be relatively cute lol) but, back to the story - i was not trying to be cute. but apparently that was not the case...

in actuality, i've been searching for a nice, not-too-noticeable, athletic swimsuit to wear when i'm lapping it up at the ballys or the community pool. and just the day before, i found myself inside of a sports authority, flipping thru racks of black on black (or some ridiculously-bright shade of pink or blue), racer-back, swoosh on the side or some other sporty emblem, one piece, i-didn't-come-to-play bathing suit. but on this particular day, i hadn't yet bought said bathing suit and was in a rush to pack my gym bag before leaving for work. so, i grabbed what i could find - a cute, bandeau top (with an attachable string necktie tho!!), towel, goggles, swimcap and bounced...

i am the dot, dot, dot...

i am the dot, dot, dot
the eternal placeholder
the lips you run to when hers aren’t close enough
the dotted line after the colon
the friend.

i am where there riverbed ends
the surrogate
the almost doesn’t count
the better luck next time

the fool
(everybody plays me)
the tool
(everybody use me)
the stool
(everybody stand on me)
to get high enough to reach someone else’s expectations

my anti-domestic violence psa...

so i haven't officially been blogging lately, but a sista has been busy!! one of the projects that has been stealing my attention is the "a good look campaign (c) - changing the face of domestic violence," a campaign created by big sis and company. last week i was featured in their grand opening video and psa, as well as performed for their first anti-domestic violence awareness town hall event in reston, virginia. the event was insane, i smiled, i cried (and when i say cried, i mean get-up-and-go-to-the-restroom-cause-you're-disturbing-people cried) the stories were just unreal! but it was honored to be a part of such a life-saving movement, and i look forward to doing more with liletta and her team. if you'd like to learn more, visit her site at http://www.bigsisandcompany.net.

and to see the psa i contributed to the campaign, see below!!

umm, is that what u heard? cause that's not what i said...

let me start off by saying this is not the rant of a bitter woman lol. i am not bitter. i am confused.

*insert puzzled face*

i just got off the phone with a girlfriend, whom i called because i wasn't sure how to respond to a picture mail i had just received from a former (short-lived) beau. i didn't want to be mean, and since i knew i was already predisposed lol, i thought i would call for a fresh opinion. the message had no words, just a button-up-vest-and-tie-in-the-front-seat-of-his-car-complete-with-shades picture, sans a smile. albeit a nice (somewhat-posed) shot, my question was what was i supposed to do with it and how was i to reply? it was unsolicited and we hadn't spoken in quite a while. we ended, not on the friendliest of notes, and while we've conversed (uneasy small talk) here and there, i'd made it quite clear that i had no interests in rekindling anything. at least i thought i had. and even when i was (notice the italics) open to the thought, when asked what he could do to make it better, among the items discussed was no mention of a text-messaged picture of him in his sunday best...with no words.  

teal (for the men i love, and the ladies who asked for it)

so today's blog is being posted for two reasons... 1: the fellas sent me a lotta flack because of my last blog post lol, and 2: it was requested since i don't have this piece currently posted anywhere else. soo... for my guys, and for those who asked, here is "teal" ;)

teal

he offered me the world in a crystal vase
when all i wanted was the heart on his sleeve
see he couldn't love -
he could need
he could want, he could feel
but love wasn't real to him
love was like teal to him
not quite blue
more like green

she was mean to him
mistook his kindness for weakness
laughed at his meekness
and dreamed at him
not of him
but at him
sent pillow-filled missiles
of what he could be and what he should be
till what he would be
would be of no use to him
see he couldn't love
he could need
he could want
he could feel
but love wasn't real to him
love was like teal to him
not quite blue
more like green

ya gotta kiss a few frogs...

...before you find the prince. that is how the saying goes, right? uuummm... *hand waving frantically in the air* my question is tho, how many exactly is a few? i'm just saying, a few like a little few or a few like a lot few? cause there is a big difference. and at this rate, a sista is gonna need some more chapstick. really. 

i mean, who came up with that expression anyway? some disney exec writer who thought it would be a great idea to give little girls the world over a reason to hope? epic fail. toss that in the bin with cinderella, thumbelina, and sleeping beauty (cause no offense, but i don't really dig dwarfs either).

but, back to the frogs. they are everywhere! smooth frogs, funny frogs, polite frogs, sexy frogs - but at the end of the day, they're all frogs (and when i say all, i don't mean all - but you know...all). and they never seem like frogs in the beginning. never. but with a little time, and given the right situation see if you don't find a little green peeking from behind the button up (or hoodie, depending on the frog).

tomorrow

soo i was looking over some poetry i'd written over the years, and felt compelled to share this with my fam. crazy how words can spark up nostalgia...

tomorrow,
when people are waking up and going about their business to start another day
i'll be busy trying to find a way to get thru it
tryna find a way to not undue it cause tho my insides are pouring like water from the heavens
and it's so like me to just give him that one last chance
what was done was what needed to be done
and i know that.

tomorrow,
when people everywhere will be busy getting dressed to go to work
i'll be tryna find a way to tell my wrist you can't wear that watch today
and my ears you can't wear those hoops today
and my face you can't wear that smile today
cause they all belong to him and he's not here...today
tryna find a way
to answer their questions when they're wondering why i'm not laughing the way i usually do
or why i'm taking down that picture of you

tomorrow,
they'll be puzzled and they won't understand why my eyes are just a little bit glassy
why my tone is just a little bit brassy
why my voice is just a little bit sassy
and they'll think it has to be just one of those mornings where i woke up on the wrong side of the bed
when really - it was what she said last nite.

commitment issues...

soo, i've been writing since like... forever. poetry, lyrics, short stories, articles, scripts, plays, books, tweets - well, you get the point.  but maintaining a blog has been (and when i say maintain, i mean being truly consistent, writing without letup, whether they're reading or not, whomever "they" is - just sheer dedication to the art of word and, did i say consistent?) well yea, it's been something i've been wanting to do for quite a while. ok, maybe a little more than wanting. more like attempting. i've dibbled and dabbled, posted and tweeted - but, nothing serious...

...commitment issues.

don't judge me. i'm only human - and a busy human at that! but in the words of john legend, "this time i want it all..." so here's to second chances, starting over, and following thru. acknowledging the inadequate and resolving to change. i am a writer who hasn't been writing. what are you? and what have you been neglecting? for some, it's as simple as an art or a hobby. for others, it's as serious as a health condition or a loved one. or maybe that loved one is you... you've been afraid to commit to yourself. to your goals, to your dreams - to the person you said you'd become before you grew up and let life get in the way. or maybe you totally have the commitment thing down - your issue is that you commit to the wrong thing. the wrong habit. the wrong person...